Hello hello hello, I’m doing an honest-to-god beauty review. None of this will be as scary as my spider title up there might have you believe. This should be a mostly painless process.
The ads (above) for Maybelline’s new Colossal Chaotic Lash Volum’ Express mascara got to me with their mod nude lip/bold eye look, and I loved the messy and clumpy effect. Some people want their mascara to look natural; I want my mascara to look like I dipped my whole head in it. Or almost. I’m not one for subtlety.
I also resent shitty makeup marketing, even though I fall for it occasionally. ‘Falsies’ mascara? No. (Although I assume I’d love the look of false eyelashes even if I don’t love the process of gluing them onto my eyelids.) ‘Illegal Length’? No. ‘The Rocket’? These sexual euphemisms are boring as hell.
But ‘chaotic’ mascara? DING DING DING, PICK ME.
I have never bought Maybelline mascara in my life. I’m a strictly L’Oréal mascara person, more specifically Voluminous, which I’ve basically stuck to for the past ten years or so. I don’t believe in upmarket mascara and, however much I spend on other things, refuse to buy mascara anywhere but the drugstore. When I found this Maybelline product on sale for $7.49 from its original $10.99 price, I just bit it.
As you can see from the ad at the top of the page, the brush is supposed to be a bit bent at the tip. Mine wasn’t as pronounced as that, but I don’t think it matters.
Anyway, here’s my face with only foundation on it.
Here’s me with one coat of mascara on.
It’s pretty dramatic. That’s a lot of spiky black eye drama for one coat.
Here’s one more coat and me attempting to clump the lashes together a bit as per the instructions on the package.
Looks basically the same as one coat. Still dramatic. I’m pretty into it.
And here’s me with my usual spectacles on.
So, I can safely say that I’m a fan of how this mascara goes on and how it looks. It doesn’t necessarily look like the photo advertised above, but I concede that I haven’t put much on my bottom lashes at all. I like the look of a heavy bottom lash in theory and in this product’s marketing, but I don’t like how it impedes my vision (seriously, it looks like there’s things sticking out of my eyes) and wears off into dark under eye circles by the end of the day.
Now the dirtbag info. This stuff dries crispy. It’s a thick formula that goes on heavily, so it doesn’t surprise me that my eyelashes feel like they’ve got their own heavy duty plastic coating once it’s totally dry.
It’s also not the easiest to take off. (This isn’t the waterproof kind; it’s the normal kind.) My usual routine is to remove however much has transferred from my lashes to my top and bottom eyelids with a cleansing water. The rest stays on my lashes and I touch it up if I feel like it.
This means that it only totally comes off in the shower. With most mascaras this isn’t a problem. What I’ve noticed with this one, however, is that the dried formula, once wet, doesn’t break down entirely and just wash away. Wet strings of the product got in my eyes while I was showering, and I only realized this after the fact when I saw some weird lines on my eyes. Seriously. I had to pick this creepy damp string of shriveled mascara off of my eye after I showered. I’m sorry. It’s gross.
HOWEVER – and here’s where you might turn away forever – this isn’t a dealbreaker for me. I come from the school of applying so much eyeliner to your waterlines that you blow black eyeliner out your nose the next day. Picking a few strings of eyeliner out of my eyes doesn’t send this product to the garbage can for me. Maybe cool clumpy spider-eyes have their price. After all, I paid money for it, however little, and that would be wasting.
Did I say this would be painless? As Arabelle says, beauty is terror.